Your Toddler: Behaviour

Unless otherwise indicated the pronoun he or she refers to either sex. We have chosen to alternate.

13-15 months

Imitation and baby babble

Between her first and second birthday your toddler will learn that she is a separate person from you. As she realizes this, she will begin to worry that those she loves will leave her.

She will also start to assert her independence and once she can talk she will often use "'mine", "me" and "my" words. Your toddler cannot yet understand abstract concepts like truth, good, bad, wrong or right. You will need to remember this when you are teaching her how to behave. She will often appear to ignore you and you may need to take quick action when she is getting into mischief-physically removing her from danger or distracting her with another activity. Though you may think she understands the word "no", the urge to do whatever it is that is forbidden is often greater than this understanding.

Here are some tips for keeping your toddler safe - and in line:

• Keep rules to a minimum. Decide on a few important rules with your partner and stick to them. For example, not touching the DVD player or the dog food.
• Give your toddler choices. For example, "Would you like a mandarin or banana?" Will we read this book or this book?"
• Use distraction. When trouble is looming, steer your toddler in another direction or offer an alternative.
• Show them the right thing to do. Toddlers can be quite hurtful towards other children; they bite, pull hair and poke. Explain that this is not the way to behave and show them the right thing to do when they want something, or are unhappy about something.
• Don't forget to praise your toddler when she behaves the way you want her to.
• Behave well yourself. Toddlers are very good at imitating and will copy your behaviour, good and bad.
• Make special time with your toddler every day. Reading time, bath time or a trip to the park are all important in the life of a toddler.
• Don't have tussles over things that are not really important. Sometimes we find ourselves making big issues of things that don't really matter.
• Dust off your sense of humour. Toddlers can be real little clowns and will have you in stitches at times. That said, don't let them see you laughing at something you don't want them to do.

16-18 months

Feeling safe

Our children deserve to feel they live in a safe world, yet we all need a certain amount of fear to protect us. Fear is what makes a child stay away from the traffic or the growling dog; childhood fears are normal. Even as adults, we are all afraid of something-dogs, strangers, spiders, thunder. Anxiety is more of a feeling of uncertainty, and it may not be clear what we are anxious about.

Babies are naturally afraid of loud noises, heights, movements and anything strange. The only way a baby can tell you he is afraid is by crying. Most babies are afraid of being left alone when they are around six or seven months. Around 15 months, a toddler's perception of others has developed enough to recognize strangers and then a new fear arises. Children who have had little contact with outsiders are more likely to be afraid of strangers than those who have spent lots of time around others. At this age, a stranger can be anyone they don't see every couple of days, including grandparents.

It is not unusual for toddlers to be worried about being left at their child care or kindergarten. An understanding and caring child care centre will recognize this and the child's fear will disappear as he becomes more comfortable with his new surroundings. They will give you advice on helping him to get through this time. As your child grows he will experience new fears and you will find that you need to establish new strategies for helping him to cope.

19-21 months

Independence and tantrums

You know how you feel when you are frustrated-angry, irritable and irrational. But, as an adult, you have learnt to handle it. When toddlers are frustrated they usually react in the only way they know-they throw a tantrum. Anger, fear and jealousy can also bring on a tantrum. Toddlers are totally self-centred; they are not able to think about anyone else. Add to this the excitement and frustration of a toddler's world. They are exploring their own independence, but often meeting barriers and restrictions. And tantrums actually work for some toddlers (and even older children). They get what they want. It is important during toddler growth that you control this.

Here are a few tips for deflecting or even avoiding a tantrum.

• Never punish a tantrum with your own anger, or by hitting or otherwise physically hurting the child.
• Give your child as much time and space to explore as you can manage, but think ahead. Be ready with diversionary tactics when something looks like it is going to get out of hand. For example, use the stair gate to keep your toddler away from the dog's food or to block off the kitchen door when you are cooking.
• Suggest another activity when your toddler appears to be approaching a forbidden area.
• Think ahead. Don't take your child shopping when he is tired or hungry.
• Involve him in your activity. If you are shopping let him help by getting small things from low shelves. It slows up the shopping, but so does a tantrum.
• Keep to a routine as much as possible and finish the day with a bath, a quiet meal and a story. Save boisterous games for daytime.
• If a tantrum does erupt handle it quietly and calmly-even though it's not easy! Stay nearby (or have another adult stay nearby) and wait for the tantrum to subside. Do not get involved except to offer a hug or to prevent the child from hitting or kicking out. After the tantrum do not give in to its cause. Try the diversionary tactics mentioned above and think about how you might avoid it happening again.

You'll find some really good advice on coping with tantrums on the Parenting and Child Health site. The Australian Childhood Foundation can also help as can parenting websites such as Essential Baby.